It’s Not About Me
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When we take things personally, we give up our power.
This idea first came to me ten years ago. A colleague and I were holding auditions for a new creative programme, and during one, an actress performed a short, powerful piece. From it, I took away a simple phrase that has since become a personal mantra: it’s not about me.
This mantra leads to a healthy detachment, preventing us from getting lost in the emotion of a situation. Whether we are being criticised, hearing about someone’s awful experience, or sharing an idea only for it to be shot down, our instinct can be to take it personally.
But it isn’t personal, even when it feels intensely so. When someone attacks us, it’s often because they are operating from a place of defensiveness; something has triggered them. If we can step back and mentally detach from the situation, we can access the empowering space where we realise: it’s not about me. We can then ask better questions: What’s going on for them? Why are they reacting this way? How can I shift this?
Consider this example: someone is shouting at you, clearly upset.
Scenario One (The Ego-Driven Reaction): What have I done? How dare they? This is so offensive. I feel attacked and I want to lash out.
Scenario Two (The Detached Response): I wonder why they’re so upset? What’s going on for them right now? Let me focus on the ‘what,’ not the ‘who.’ How can I help?
This shift—from “how dare you” to “it’s not about me”—takes the ego out of the driver’s seat. And that changes everything. When we’re not busy defending ourselves, we can actually serve the situation. We become curious instead of defensive, able to respond rather than just react.
The paradox is beautiful: by making it less about us, we become more powerful. We reclaim our agency. We can choose our response.
It’s not about me. And that’s exactly what makes it transformational.
6 thoughts on “It’s Not About Me”
That’s beautiful Les. Thank you for sharing
Years ago, as an elementary schoolteacher in New York City, I had the opportunity to practice the “It’s not me” way of thinking. An angry parent came to my classroom. She was upset with me for suggesting that perhaps her child should be tested to determine what was affecting her child’s learning. The mother questioned my professional abilities and insights. I could have become defensive. I could have argued with the parent, but I had a feeling that her anger and attitude had very little to do with me. I asked the mother to sit, brought her some coffee, and otherwise encouraged her to relax. After a few minutes, she apologized to me. Her morning had been filled with one frustration after another. Money problems, health issues, and more had begun simmering under the surface, so to speak, and I had bore the brunt of her frustration. The mom apologized to me, and she signed to have her child tested. By realizing that “It wasn’t about me”, I was successful in helping an underperforming child find success in the classroom.
Thank you for that
This is so true and a really useful technique to use.
I’m glad it was helpful Olwyn
Thanks for writing such a gem of a post today, Stuart, as I was just coaching a client on this very challenge today. He is a sensitive and caring leader who takes things way too personally. I shall share your post and credit you for the very wise perspective.